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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2005, 07:26:46 PM » |
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European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kanhave one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2005, 07:28:54 PM » |
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GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE..... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
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The Kit Cars Forum
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« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2005, 07:28:54 PM » |
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2005, 07:30:15 PM » |
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Catholic Dog -
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2005, 07:32:03 PM » |
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DONATION -
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2005, 07:33:11 PM » |
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This is an old one!
CONFESSION -
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #20 on: November 09, 2005, 07:34:43 PM » |
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SENILITY -
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2005, 07:36:34 PM » |
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PEST CONTROL -
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious after seeing the rumpled bed and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said..."Those little bastards."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #22 on: November 09, 2005, 07:41:01 PM » |
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Subject: Last Rites
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He
is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on but one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years
of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on
First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a
lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to
where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the
prostate man and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72"
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2005, 07:45:01 PM » |
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A husband of a young family just finished reading the book, 'Kit Cars and being The MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a Bondo stained dirty finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward...Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax...And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The frigging funeral director would be my guess."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #24 on: November 09, 2005, 07:47:24 PM » |
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This was in the Washington Post... the title was "Best Comeback Line - Ever." The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. ( think that is the same place where the bug eyed run away bride was from) The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"
Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
"I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
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godster
Newbie
 Offline
Posts: 45
Lambo!
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« Reply #25 on: November 09, 2005, 08:20:49 PM » |
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LMAO!! Omg you have to send more, make this the topic of the official clean jokes, no more from you other people ( sry if i hurt your feelings) only FunnyWheels can post these.. LOL! those are so great, please keep sending, i love reading them.
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #26 on: November 10, 2005, 07:29:29 PM » |
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GOLF JOKE ~
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shoot, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shoot, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shoot, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shoot, I missed."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #27 on: November 10, 2005, 07:30:25 PM » |
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Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See...
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
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« Last Edit: November 11, 2005, 08:39:48 PM by FunnyWheels »
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #28 on: November 10, 2005, 07:30:50 PM » |
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Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #29 on: November 10, 2005, 07:33:35 PM » |
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The wife of a kit car builder said to her man in the garage who would not come in for his dinner.
Honey, “The proctologist called....they found your head.”
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The Kit Cars Forum
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