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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #45 on: November 21, 2005, 07:42:08 PM » |
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Thanksgiving Joke:
A lady at the grocery store was picking through the frozen turkeys, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're all dead."
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #46 on: November 21, 2005, 07:46:48 PM » |
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Doctor Joke:
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger! Doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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The Kit Cars Forum
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« Reply #46 on: November 21, 2005, 07:46:48 PM » |
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superstang460
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« Reply #47 on: November 22, 2005, 05:33:29 PM » |
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Laura told me this one and I found it to be true so I thought I would share it
Men Are Just Happier People—What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache…. and you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #48 on: November 22, 2005, 08:15:20 PM » |
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Proof that the world is Nuts from Don Ostergard 1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)...Perverts either way! 2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) 3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?? Don’t let that baby stand up.) 4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind eh!") 5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside to deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) 6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (Ah! Sweet Justice!) 7) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)  In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) 9) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I assume it was a big enough problem they had to pass this law?) 10) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam!) 11) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff anyway? Must be a kit car builder) 12) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) 13) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of what?) (Did the government pay for this research too?) 14) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah Jeeze!) 15) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) 16) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) 17) And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And YOU thought YOU had bad breath in the morning!) |
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #49 on: November 23, 2005, 07:27:00 AM » |
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TEXAS STYLE,......Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in, Fairlie, Texas. (1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. (7) No killin'. ( Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think? Y'all have a good day. You hear! |
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superstang460
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« Reply #50 on: November 25, 2005, 02:43:55 PM » |
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A father and son were watching a football game when out of the blue the father asked,
"son, everytime I yelled at you or gave you a spanking as a child you would go hide in the bathroom for an hour. It would always be clean as a whistle afterwards too. Why??"
Without even looking up from the game on TV the boy replyed "To get back at you, Dad."
The father was confused and asked, "By cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, and even the hard to reach places like under the toilet seat??"
The boy replied, "No. By using your toothbrush for the hard to reach places!!"
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superstang460
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« Reply #51 on: November 30, 2005, 03:03:43 PM » |
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An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #52 on: November 30, 2005, 06:15:58 PM » |
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LOL! My face is hurting from that one!
Keep em comming!
Dave
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #53 on: December 01, 2005, 07:29:52 PM » |
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I thought you would get a kick out of this.......
HER DIARY:
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore! He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
I Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for crap, lost $900 in bets.
The good new for the day is I got laid.
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #54 on: December 01, 2005, 07:48:31 PM » |
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A police officer pulled Newman over for speeding in his now famous FunnyWheels replica of a 355 Ferrari and they had the following exchange:
________________________________________
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
DN: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
DN: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
DN: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
DN: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
DN: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
DN: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
DN: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card, It’s a Ferrari Kit Car.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
DN: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
DN: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
DN: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #55 on: December 01, 2005, 07:58:35 PM » |
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BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Philly’s manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." –
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
Copy it and send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did!!! FunnyWheels
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superstang460
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« Reply #56 on: December 02, 2005, 04:11:02 PM » |
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DN: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
DN: Yes, sir.
What trunk   |
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superstang460
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« Reply #57 on: December 02, 2005, 04:13:24 PM » |
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President
Sounds more like a Kerry statement, really. |
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #58 on: December 03, 2005, 09:07:41 AM » |
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President
Sounds more like a Kerry statement, really. It really does. I think they are both wasted sperm but that is another story. |
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FunnyWheels
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« Reply #59 on: December 03, 2005, 09:16:43 AM » |
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Subject: Thanksgiving and Christmas
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a
wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by
UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count
I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for
me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case
of diarrhea will land on your Kit Car at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.......
God Bless and have a Merry Christmas !!!!!!!!
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